In my last post, I referenced the struggle, but also the blessing. What blessing can come out of such heartache? What blessing could come out of an unmet desire?
I do say this – I am hopeful.
Does that sound odd? It could. It could also mean a lot of different things. But, in the face of infertility, that is how I feel. So, what am I hopeful in? Hopeful that one day we’ll conceive? Hopeful that someday we will adopt? No, I am hopeful in God’s ability to bring good from, and get glory in, this trial.
One of the unexpected blessings I referred to in my last post was the blessedness of being able to be a source of encouragement, love, and empathy in sisters that are in the same place as I have been and am. I can remind them of the Scriptures and truths about God’s character that I clung to. I can remind them that He is good and that He is not withholding good from us, the lie that Adam and Eve believed. I can come from a place of shared pain and experience and that – that is good. That is helpful. This is not a wasted experience. This is one reason I am hopeful. He gets glory.
The Lord has given my husband and me several children to love and care for and pour into. I often joke that we actually have lots of kids. Funny – I almost have the 8 children that I wanted years ago! Between 2 families, the Lord has blessed us with 6 sweet boys, 1 sweet girl, and 1 sweet girl on the way. They are 7, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1.5, and 1.5 months old. I love them so much and they are such a joy and blessing. We have been able to serve these families at points by watching their children and have had the opportunity to pour into them spiritually. We have a very close relationship with the families and their families and really love these children dearly. Some of my favorite times have been putting them to sleep, singing hymns with them, praying, and kissing their sweet little faces. The opportunities we have had to teach them about Jesus have been countless and ongoing and I am thankful. Again, God gets glory.
I don’t want to seem as though I am surfing through this trial without being hit by waves. That’s not true. There are still times when I do still feel sorrow and grief, times where I cry and weep and feel that ache in my throat & heart. But I remind myself of who God is – He is gracious, kind, loving, wise, giving, faithful, generous…! So many things. It’s not me that gets to decide how He works out His characteristics, but He is who He is according to His will, according to His good purposes, according to His wisdom. I trust this. I cling to this. I have often wept over the thought that there will be no children to carry on our legacy. It still bothers me. It still hurts. But I have to remind myself – God is wise and He knows far more than I! I can trust that this too is according to His wisdom.
I have seen recent times where my husband has done well at guarding my heart and loving me when those questions inevitably come from those that don’t know us – “Do y’all have kids?” Whether it’s an arm around my waist, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, or the way that he takes charge of answering the question, I’m grateful for it.
I’m also grateful for the fact that more openness leads to more openness. It gives birth, so to speak, to more transparency and causes the topic to be less taboo. So many women struggle in silence, and for those that belong to Christ, we do not have to. We have the Body of Christ to walk alongside of us, share these burdens together, and we enjoy the blessing of being able to pray for each other, cry for and with each other, and love each other. Again, God gets glory.
I find myself more prayerful for my sisters, rejoicing at the first news of a new baby, praying for that baby’s protection & formation in the womb, and bringing meals as they adjust to this new blessing.
I have learned how to be a better listener, to watch the words I say, to be selfless, to rejoice with others. So, even though it is difficult, it has been helpful. And for that, I can praise the Lord.