Infertility – The Unexpected Blessings – Part 2

In my last post, I referenced the struggle, but also the blessing. What blessing can come out of such heartache? What blessing could come out of an unmet desire?

I do say this – I am hopeful.

Does that sound odd? It could. It could also mean a lot of different things. But, in the face of infertility, that is how I feel. So, what am I hopeful in? Hopeful that one day we’ll conceive? Hopeful that someday we will adopt? No, I am hopeful in God’s ability to bring good from, and get glory in, this trial.

One of the unexpected blessings I referred to in my last post was the blessedness of being able to be a source of encouragement, love, and empathy in sisters that are in the same place as I have been and am. I can remind them of the Scriptures and truths about God’s character that I clung to. I can remind them that He is good and that He is not withholding good from us, the lie that Adam and Eve believed. I can come from a place of shared pain and experience and that – that is good. That is helpful. This is not a wasted experience. This is one reason I am hopeful. He gets glory.

The Lord has given my husband and me several children to love and care for and pour into. I often joke that we actually have lots of kids. Funny – I almost have the 8 children that I wanted years ago! Between 2 families, the Lord has blessed us with 6 sweet boys, 1 sweet girl, and 1 sweet girl on the way. They are 7, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1.5, and 1.5 months old. I love them so much and they are such a joy and blessing. We have been able to serve these families at points by watching their children and have had the opportunity to pour into them spiritually. We have a very close relationship with the families and their families and really love these children dearly. Some of my favorite times have been putting them to sleep, singing hymns with them, praying, and kissing their sweet little faces. The opportunities we have had to teach them about Jesus have been countless and ongoing and I am thankful. Again, God gets glory.

I don’t want to seem as though I am surfing through this trial without being hit by waves. That’s not true. There are still times when I do still feel sorrow and grief, times where I cry and weep and feel that ache in my throat & heart. But I remind myself of who God is – He is gracious, kind, loving, wise, giving, faithful, generous…! So many things. It’s not me that gets to decide how He works out His characteristics, but He is who He is according to His will, according to His good purposes, according to His wisdom. I trust this. I cling to this. I have often wept over the thought that there will be no children to carry on our legacy. It still bothers me. It still hurts. But I have to remind myself – God is wise and He knows far more than I! I can trust that this too is according to His wisdom.

I have seen recent times where my husband has done well at guarding my heart and loving me when those questions inevitably come from those that don’t know us – “Do y’all have kids?” Whether it’s an arm around my waist, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, or the way that he takes charge of answering the question, I’m grateful for it.

I’m also grateful for the fact that more openness leads to more openness. It gives birth, so to speak, to more transparency and causes the topic to be less taboo. So many women struggle in silence, and for those that belong to Christ, we do not have to. We have the Body of Christ to walk alongside of us, share these burdens together, and we enjoy the blessing of being able to pray for each other, cry for and with each other, and love each other. Again, God gets glory.

I find myself more prayerful for my sisters, rejoicing at the first news of a new baby, praying for that baby’s protection & formation in the womb, and bringing meals as they adjust to this new blessing.

I have learned how to be a better listener, to watch the words I say, to be selfless, to rejoice with others. So, even though it is difficult, it has been helpful. And for that, I can praise the Lord.

Infertility – The Struggle & Unexpected Blessings – PART 1

When I was younger, I knew I wanted children. I used to have a certain number in my head – 8 to be exact. I remember talking to my married, child-raising friends about that number and being told, “Wait until you have at least one, first!” And so I looked forward to that day with great anticipation. I’ve always loved children, even in my years as a child. I couldn’t wait to have my own. I really wanted a son. My husband would laugh at me because most women seem to want daughters, but not me. I wanted little boys. I wanted him to have a ‘mini me’. It really warmed my heart to think about him with a little shadow!

When my husband and I got married, about 2 months in, I had gotten sick. All food started to make me nauseous, especially the smell of it. After dealing with the symptoms for quite some time, I went to my doctor and was met with her predictions. “Oh I know you’re pregnant, but let’s get these tests done. I will be more surprised if you aren’t!” I went to the lab and sat there, texting my husband, a feeling of nervousness and excitement in my belly. All of the what-ifs flooded my heart and mind and I allowed myself to imagine life 9 months from that moment. My name was called, specimens were collected, and I headed home to wait for the results. Those hours of waiting were hard. Finally, later that evening, that call came. My doctor called me personally to tell me the results. I wasn’t pregnant. She apologized for her negligent words and told me that she understood if I did not want to continue seeing her as my provider.

Over the years that followed, I was so mindful of everything – a late cycle, unexplained nausea, fatigue seemingly out of nowhere, headaches – you name it. Each month brought tears when my cycle would come. All of my friends were getting pregnant and our church experienced many ‘baby booms’ each year where babies were being born back to back over the course of several months. All the while, I tried to sustain a happy outer demeanor, explaining that it was all in God’s timing when I’d be asked about our desire to have children. There were many times that I cried to my husband, heartbroken over my unfulfilled desire and the careless words from others.

“You’re not getting any younger!”

“Do y’all even WANT kids?”

“You know – you’re next!”

“Have you tried changing your diet?”

“Look at you holding that baby, getting practice in, I see!”

“You know, if you want to adopt, you should get started soon!”

“When you (fill in the blank), then those babies will come!”

I heard all of those things and then some. Those comments made me even sadder. And I realized – we can say that we know that God is in control but or comments and thoughts can betray us, which is what happened with them and with me. The comments were unhelpful and mindless and often lent themselves to driving me into deeper sadness over our lack of children.

Baby showers were hard and I would avoid them often. I was happy for my friends, but mourned the absence of children in our home. The sight of cute little baby clothes and shoes pained me. I couldn’t do it! It didn’t seem fair to me!. There was no medical explanation for my inability to conceive. I was upset, but my husband helped me to realize that my beef was really with the Lord. Because He opens and closes the womb, and He had chosen not to for His own good purposes, my ultimate problem was with Him. That was a hard one to grapple with.

It became harder & harder seeing news stories about irresponsible, abusive, and negligent parents. They can have kids, but not ME, Lord? Really?! It was hard, it was sad, it was lonely. But, blessing came with it as well.

[ To Be Continued in Part 2 Next Week ]