Infertility – The Unexpected Blessings – Part 2

In my last post, I referenced the struggle, but also the blessing. What blessing can come out of such heartache? What blessing could come out of an unmet desire?

I do say this – I am hopeful.

Does that sound odd? It could. It could also mean a lot of different things. But, in the face of infertility, that is how I feel. So, what am I hopeful in? Hopeful that one day we’ll conceive? Hopeful that someday we will adopt? No, I am hopeful in God’s ability to bring good from, and get glory in, this trial.

One of the unexpected blessings I referred to in my last post was the blessedness of being able to be a source of encouragement, love, and empathy in sisters that are in the same place as I have been and am. I can remind them of the Scriptures and truths about God’s character that I clung to. I can remind them that He is good and that He is not withholding good from us, the lie that Adam and Eve believed. I can come from a place of shared pain and experience and that – that is good. That is helpful. This is not a wasted experience. This is one reason I am hopeful. He gets glory.

The Lord has given my husband and me several children to love and care for and pour into. I often joke that we actually have lots of kids. Funny – I almost have the 8 children that I wanted years ago! Between 2 families, the Lord has blessed us with 6 sweet boys, 1 sweet girl, and 1 sweet girl on the way. They are 7, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1.5, and 1.5 months old. I love them so much and they are such a joy and blessing. We have been able to serve these families at points by watching their children and have had the opportunity to pour into them spiritually. We have a very close relationship with the families and their families and really love these children dearly. Some of my favorite times have been putting them to sleep, singing hymns with them, praying, and kissing their sweet little faces. The opportunities we have had to teach them about Jesus have been countless and ongoing and I am thankful. Again, God gets glory.

I don’t want to seem as though I am surfing through this trial without being hit by waves. That’s not true. There are still times when I do still feel sorrow and grief, times where I cry and weep and feel that ache in my throat & heart. But I remind myself of who God is – He is gracious, kind, loving, wise, giving, faithful, generous…! So many things. It’s not me that gets to decide how He works out His characteristics, but He is who He is according to His will, according to His good purposes, according to His wisdom. I trust this. I cling to this. I have often wept over the thought that there will be no children to carry on our legacy. It still bothers me. It still hurts. But I have to remind myself – God is wise and He knows far more than I! I can trust that this too is according to His wisdom.

I have seen recent times where my husband has done well at guarding my heart and loving me when those questions inevitably come from those that don’t know us – “Do y’all have kids?” Whether it’s an arm around my waist, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, or the way that he takes charge of answering the question, I’m grateful for it.

I’m also grateful for the fact that more openness leads to more openness. It gives birth, so to speak, to more transparency and causes the topic to be less taboo. So many women struggle in silence, and for those that belong to Christ, we do not have to. We have the Body of Christ to walk alongside of us, share these burdens together, and we enjoy the blessing of being able to pray for each other, cry for and with each other, and love each other. Again, God gets glory.

I find myself more prayerful for my sisters, rejoicing at the first news of a new baby, praying for that baby’s protection & formation in the womb, and bringing meals as they adjust to this new blessing.

I have learned how to be a better listener, to watch the words I say, to be selfless, to rejoice with others. So, even though it is difficult, it has been helpful. And for that, I can praise the Lord.

Infertility – The Struggle & Unexpected Blessings – PART 1

When I was younger, I knew I wanted children. I used to have a certain number in my head – 8 to be exact. I remember talking to my married, child-raising friends about that number and being told, “Wait until you have at least one, first!” And so I looked forward to that day with great anticipation. I’ve always loved children, even in my years as a child. I couldn’t wait to have my own. I really wanted a son. My husband would laugh at me because most women seem to want daughters, but not me. I wanted little boys. I wanted him to have a ‘mini me’. It really warmed my heart to think about him with a little shadow!

When my husband and I got married, about 2 months in, I had gotten sick. All food started to make me nauseous, especially the smell of it. After dealing with the symptoms for quite some time, I went to my doctor and was met with her predictions. “Oh I know you’re pregnant, but let’s get these tests done. I will be more surprised if you aren’t!” I went to the lab and sat there, texting my husband, a feeling of nervousness and excitement in my belly. All of the what-ifs flooded my heart and mind and I allowed myself to imagine life 9 months from that moment. My name was called, specimens were collected, and I headed home to wait for the results. Those hours of waiting were hard. Finally, later that evening, that call came. My doctor called me personally to tell me the results. I wasn’t pregnant. She apologized for her negligent words and told me that she understood if I did not want to continue seeing her as my provider.

Over the years that followed, I was so mindful of everything – a late cycle, unexplained nausea, fatigue seemingly out of nowhere, headaches – you name it. Each month brought tears when my cycle would come. All of my friends were getting pregnant and our church experienced many ‘baby booms’ each year where babies were being born back to back over the course of several months. All the while, I tried to sustain a happy outer demeanor, explaining that it was all in God’s timing when I’d be asked about our desire to have children. There were many times that I cried to my husband, heartbroken over my unfulfilled desire and the careless words from others.

“You’re not getting any younger!”

“Do y’all even WANT kids?”

“You know – you’re next!”

“Have you tried changing your diet?”

“Look at you holding that baby, getting practice in, I see!”

“You know, if you want to adopt, you should get started soon!”

“When you (fill in the blank), then those babies will come!”

I heard all of those things and then some. Those comments made me even sadder. And I realized – we can say that we know that God is in control but or comments and thoughts can betray us, which is what happened with them and with me. The comments were unhelpful and mindless and often lent themselves to driving me into deeper sadness over our lack of children.

Baby showers were hard and I would avoid them often. I was happy for my friends, but mourned the absence of children in our home. The sight of cute little baby clothes and shoes pained me. I couldn’t do it! It didn’t seem fair to me!. There was no medical explanation for my inability to conceive. I was upset, but my husband helped me to realize that my beef was really with the Lord. Because He opens and closes the womb, and He had chosen not to for His own good purposes, my ultimate problem was with Him. That was a hard one to grapple with.

It became harder & harder seeing news stories about irresponsible, abusive, and negligent parents. They can have kids, but not ME, Lord? Really?! It was hard, it was sad, it was lonely. But, blessing came with it as well.

[ To Be Continued in Part 2 Next Week ]

 

Talking About Submission (Desiring God)

• Link: http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/we-need-to-talk-about-submission

The further we drift from talk of submission, the easier my life becomes… But as a follower of Christ, my desire is to see Jesus glorified, not my flesh. And submission is tied directly to the glory and honor due to our Lord and his word. To retreat from the topic of submission is to throw aside fundamentals of marriage that God ordained from the beginning. If ever there were a time to dialogue about marriage, submission, and the attendant glory of Christ, it is now.
– Kim Cash Tate

This post was challenging and encouraging to me as a wife. Submission is something that is close to my heart and always has been, even prior to marriage. It is often seen as a dirty word, and I can appreciate how Kim Cash Tate pointed out the various ways that the topic of submission is often approached – apologetically and/or sympathetically. Submission is no thing to apologize for, as it is God’s intended design, nor is it something to gather around and lament about. It is a beautiful thing ordained by God that shows off a glorious picture of His wisdom, and yes, even His Gospel.

While, yes, I know it isn’t always easy, it is beautiful & it speaks loudly to a watching world. There may be situations where it may feel difficult to submit. In those moments, we can, by the power of the Holy Spirit, battle our sin and flesh and put it to death in order that God may be honored and glorified.

May the Lord continue to enable and help His daughters see the wisdom and grace in His plan of submission.

The Gift of My Beloved Husband

On mornings when my husband wakes up before me, I know where to find him. I sleepily stumble into the dining room where I see him sitting at the table, iPad and/or Bible open, with a cup of hot coffee. It’s an encouraging sight to me; I walk toward him and he embraces me. (His hugs are one of my favorite things!) I try not to linger around too long since he is having his quiet time in God’s Word but I can’t help but sneak a quick snuggle in. It’s a precious sight to me to see my husband pursuing the Lord in His Word. It blesses me because I know that as he learns and reads, the Lord will bless him and cause fruit to bear.

Lately I have really been reflecting on the grace that the Lord has shown me in granting me David as my husband. Although he is not perfect (and neither am I!), he is perfect for me. Through many ways and in many times, the Lord has used David to clearly show me His Son, the Gospel, and remind me of His own love, protection, guidance, & provision toward me.

As I prayed one Tuesday afternoon, I thanked the Lord that I do not have any worries or concerns when it comes to finances. My husband handles the budget, makes sure all bills are paid, puts money in our savings account, and spends time forecasting for the future. I worry about nothing in this area. I am not worried that our lights will get turned off or that our car will be repossessed or that there will be a lapse in any area. I am not worried that we will get a notice on our door saying our rent is late. I am not worried that he will put me in harm’s way; I know that he fiercely protects me and looks out for me. I know that he loves me. I don’t doubt it at all. And in this same way that I am so secure in David’s leadership, protection, and provision, I know that my Savior is all of those things and more!

While David fiercely loves and protects me, my Savior does all the more! David provides for me what I need; my Savior does so all the more, perfectly! David shepherds me well; my Lord is the ultimate Shepherd. And while as humans, we let one another down, we sin against each other, we hurt each other, my Savior will never be guilty of any one of those things.

Yet, in all of our imperfections, I love him dearly. I always tell him that he is ‘my favorite’. He is my best friend, my sweet man, my Beloved. He is a true gift from a gracious God to me who always holds out the Gospel before me. He stands with me and helps me fight lies, suffering, and pain with the Truth of God’s Word. He encourages me to read it rightly, to make sure I’m reading the Word in its proper context. He shepherds me through wrong thinking and he has grown to be an empathetic and sympathetic man. He embraces, yet laughs at (!) our differences (and they are many!) but respects me as the individual that God created me to be. The Gospel and the Word of God is never far from his lips and in that, I know how extremely blessed I am!

I remember, years ago, when we were in the courtship phase, I confided in a sister and told her that I could see myself submitting to his leadership! Years later, I must admit – it is a joy to come up under him! In a world where submission is a dirty word, I readily do so.

Beloved, I pray that our marriage is one that honors and glorifies the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love you!

What Not to Say to the Childless Wife

On Sunday, I was speaking with a close friend who battled cancer last year. We talked about the things that people say, not meaning any harm, that can sometimes bring about tears instead of comfort. I shared with her things that people have said to me concerning having children. As I have gotten older, I have come to understand things that may prevent women from having children, as well as just just learning basic tact. I no longer ask women if they are pregnant even if they look every bit that way. We never know what is going on. We never know if that woman has been infertile and has tried with her husband for years & years to conceive, but her womb has not yielded the fruit. We don’t know if there is a condition that needs to be addressed before the woman conceives. What if they have been pregnant but have had miscarriage after miscarriage? We need to be sensitive to women when it comes to the issue of pregnancy. We don’t know what pain may reside in their hearts concerning having children. Let’s not be the possible salt to a possible wound. While I know the intention of many is pure curiosity and even concern, sometimes it is best for us to be silent. The Lord is in control of the womb and we must keep that at  the forefront of our hearts & minds.

These are all questions I have received at some point. As a bit of background, my husband and I have been married a year and a half and I am 33.

1. Why aren’t you pregnant yet?
2. Do you want children?
3. How long have y’all been married again?
4. How old are you? … Well you know that you’re not getting any younger! The clock is ticking!
5. When I was your age, I already had __ children!
6. When did you guys get married? Oh? Wow, well ____ got married a year after you, and they have one on the way already! Y’all need to catch up!
7. If you need some encouragement in that department, let me know!
8. I read that when you’re in your 30s, the risk for babies with health problems is higher.
9. 33 is too old for me to have kids!

I often read lists like this and gasp that people would say the things they say, so let me state that I write this with no malice. My desire is to inform and encourage us to think hard before we speak. Again, we never know what that person is dealing with. I joked with my friend on Sunday and said that Job’s friends did so well with him. It was when they opened their mouths that it all went downhill. Let’s remember…

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. – Proverbs 25:11 ESV

A Wife’s Submission in the Cosmic Plan of Christ – Desiring God

The Bible defines a wife’s submission to her husband in terms that describe its motive, means, and end as distinctly and uniquely Christian. For my own joy as well, I love to share about the cosmic plan of Christ to be exalted as Head over all things and how this shapes the way I view my submission to my husband.

The penal substitutionary death of Jesus Christ, his resurrection from the dead, and his subsequent exaltation above every name changes how we view our roles in marriage because, indeed, it changes everything. Neither wives nor husbands can understand our respective callings to submission and leadership in Ephesians 5:21–24 without first submitting to the cosmos-ruling Christ of Ephesians 1:9–10, and 1:20–23.

Continue reading –  A Wife’s Submission in the Cosmic Plan of Christ – Desiring God.

Marriage in the Cosmic Plan of God – Desiring God

How easy is it to detach our marriages from the finished work of Christ?

Very easy.

Tragically easy.

This may be due to living in a society where marriage is ever pressed into molds defined by the increasing unbelief around us, rather than biblical revelation. The very definition of marriage in our day has increasingly taken the feel of Play-Doh, all squishy and moldable in political debates and water-cooler conversations.

But no redefinition of marriage can touch the ultimate reality of God’s design. God has chosen to weave marriages — our marriages — into the most profound theological realities this universe has ever seen. To enter into a Christian marriage is to enter into the drama of Christ’s cosmos-altering victory.

But do our marriages reflect this? Does my own marriage reflect this?

Continue reading –  Marriage in the Cosmic Plan of God – Desiring God.